Serious ramblings.....!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

This post is definitely a total vent...and I really think I'm needing it. If you care to read about my latest and greatest...this one would be it! {pictures are included,it's not just boring ramblings}

Right now...I'm like mad crazy with work. My calendar tightly booked and not enough hours in the day.

While I typically work late, with the occasional 1 am nights, the holiday season has me working 4-5 days with 1 am nights...and I don't want to admit, but there were two 2 am nights this past week. Which ultimately means, I will look like a walking zombie until the first week of December. And, it gets painful at that little of sleep.

It gets painful because there are days that I feel like my family suffers. Why? Well, today when I opened my refrigerator...I think I literally heard crickets chirping. Chirping because it's been a long time since I last went shopping, as my kids and I have been kinda living on the road as we're out the majority of the day. My kids spend time getting shuffled around between my parents, my husband's parents and a friend. With me quickly squeezing in a picnic at the park or a movie here or there. Right now, I feel like a juggler.

I think this is feeling so dramatic right now because today Easton had his 9 month well visit with the doctor. Which I'm happy to write he is a healthy boy. But then came the time that my doctor asked about a few updates on him...
such as:

Doctor: Does he babble?
Me: Um, not really. Occasionally he says ba-ba-ba-ba.

Doctor: How about clapping and waving?
Me: Um, no. He started trying to clap a week ago, but he doesn't do it anymore.

Doctor: Does he respond when you call his name?
Me: YES, YES, yes! He DOES do that!

But probably because I call his name only to tell him I love him as I'm passing him playing in the toy room, or crawling into his sister's room, or at any quick I'm constantly in a state of playing catch up with my assistant, emails, orders, follow ups, dishes, etc.

I'm broken right now...while I know each child develops differently, and I can't compare him to my girls it's honestly hard. Why?

Well, for the obvious...each child is different but also because my girls had ALL of me. They heard 3-5 stories a day and Easton maybe 3-5 a week, if he's lucky. I played the bulk of the day on the ground building towers, rolling balls and simply giggling. Now, Easton gets me putting him down in front of balls and blocks just so I can get 10 more minutes of dishes, a phone call or to finish getting ready.

I'm seriously suffering some mommy guilt.

While I love my head of heels love. Having my own business and being a mommy is REALLY hard. Like, I had no idea all that went into having a photography business. Juggling these two is hard.

Hard because it breaks my heart to leave my babies to go to work. As one of my girls really has a hard time when I'm gone a lot and has grown to ask more questions about my job to help better understand why I leave. Tonight, as I was getting packed up for my session, she stopped me as I needed to leave right.that.moment.

Cash: Who are you taking pictures of?
Me: A beautiful family with 5 people.

Cash: Are there kids?
Me: Yes, three children. Two girls and one boy.

Cash: Is there a baby?
Me: Yes, a little girl.
{repeat question for each child}

Cash: Is the family happy?
Me: Yes, that's why they want me to take their picture.

Cash: Mom, do you like taking pictures of families?
Me: Yep! Because I love taking pictures of my family to decorate my walls as I'm happy and proud of each of you. And, when I take other kids pictures, their parents are happy and proud of them and want to put their pictures on their walls. It makes me incredibly happy to take pictures of others being happy.

Cash: Mom, I like it when you put my picture on the wall. I think the kids will be happy when their pictures are on the wall. I love you mom, be safe.
{my Cash is a tad too mature for her age}

All this being said, with the garage door open as I'm walking out the door.

This is why it's hard to leave my babies. I don't want to miss one of these moments of questions.

But then....tonight's session was incredible:
it was full of smiles, filled with two parents that love their kids, a mom that swooned over each of her babies, a husband that smiled through my obnoxious moments and a family that laughed through my "I didn't think before I spoke" moments.

And just when I thought the session couldn't be better...a souped up big wheel was busted out and I had a dancer flashing moves that made me wonder why my body won't move that way.

This session was the full 90 minutes. And 90 minutes of so much fun for this photographer. I loved it...I drove off smiling, so happy and on my photography high. As usual, I called my husband to tell him I was on my way home. And him asking, "how was the session? Are you happy with your pictures?{he knows I'm obsessively picky}" With me answering....

"Honey, this session was the best! The parents are so laid back. There was cuteness all around and endless moments filled with pride. It's because of sessions like these that I love my job and makes it easier to leave you guys. To work with families and capture this stage in their life is what makes me move and smile. Because right now, I don't think anything else could pry me away from my family but capturing the beauty in other families." And I hung up, and drove while chair dancing to Miley Cyrus' new song, Party in the USA!

Tomorrow, instead of having my typical full day of editing...I'll keep my babies home and bake cookies, make a salad and do my odd and end chores around my house. I'll squeeze in a story hour with favorite kid's books. And fill countless minutes with building towers with Easton, rolling balls and dancing my booty off with my girls. Living the good life.

These are a few of the happy/proud moments that I left my babies for.

While I'm filled with mommy guilt...I'm happy I'm chosen to work with such incredible families.

Now...since I'm writing about the mom/tographer juggling act! If you're a mom/tog...and starting your business, or considering sweet friend Jodie in Missouri has a fabulous freebie offer for you! Click try to win it. If you do...PLEASE let me know! BTW...Jodie is the queen of juggling family and photography! What she's offering is just what you need to take your photography commitment to the next level.


Jessica N. said...

Hang in there. Those late night would be sooooo tough! Enjoy your day today. Wish we lived closer b/c I'd come over for cookies and stories too :)

Jodie Allen said...

love you. and feel you all too well.

NP said...

Remember to breathe...hopefully you feel better getting everything out. I always love reading what you have to sometimes makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. Enjoy today! I LOVE these beautiful pictures of these beautiful children. What a special family! LYG, N

SloneFamily said...

Tami, Tami Tami... I know you have the option to publish or not... so Im going to just spill it!

I feel like this is an ongoing struggle with every mother. Because if you were at home (Me) you would be wishing you could be working a little bit- showing your talents off, having adult time. It is such a toss up that I am sure will never be figured out.

I wish Iwould have told you to watch Oprah yesterday... FIND IT ON YOUTUBE!! Seriously. IT was about Nie Nie (you may have heard her story, if not click on it from my blog) and was the most inspiring thing for ANY mother to watch. Working or staying home. Go Now, watch it!

As for Easton. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever seen and he is so well rounded because of YOU! I know what you mean about not having time to sit and read books, or feeling bad about setting them somewhere expecting them to entertain themselves while we get things done. But they are ok. Because when you do get to them finally it is full of hugs and kisses and swooning over their 3rd child sweetness. (Speaking for myself a little too). Also my SIL was just talking about her 12 month old that he doesn't talk or point at things but he does finally Clap. YOU KNOW that boys are a little slower and every kid is different. He is Great and is so lucky to have you and TW as parents. Seriously... What a fun life your kids have?!

Ok wrapping up here. The grass always seems greener on the other side. I honestly totally envy you. I wish I could work and be ambitious about my goals for myself... have a little extra money to do nice things or have just a tad bit more freedom, buy my kids cuter clothes. Seriously. BUT I know what I do have and I guess that is what I have to be thankful for :)

We Love you Miss Tami, you are an amazing mother! AND my girls are absolutely in awe of you and they are never around you. If the name Tami is ever mentioned, Forget it!

Have the best day with your babies!